A Harsh Reality
by the stargate time traveller
Summary: Set after 'The Witchfinder,' Merlin is wracked with grief over what he had done by playing with magic.
1. Chapter 1

A Harsh Reality.

He was so stupid, and as he tried so hard to fall asleep in his little cot he couldn't. His mind simply couldn't let him as he blamed himself for everything that had nearly happened, all because he had let one minute of total stupidity cloud his judgement.

He had forgotten the most important lessons his mother had taught him growing up in the quiet village of Ealdor, the one lesson which had more or less kept him safe and sound even if the entire world was against those of his kind.

_Do not reveal you can use magic! _

What did he do, he revealed his magic in a land, dangerously close to a city where just using a _spell _could mean your death.

The one thing he'd had drummed inside his brain, and he had cast a spell without really thinking about the consequences, and it had nearly cost _Gaius his life! _

And why, because he had just wanted to take a _break and play a joke! _

As soon as he had returned to his senses after conjuring up that stupid cloud shaped like a horse, remembering where he was, it was too late.

His magic had _been seen by a busybody, _another servant like himself, and she had run off to tell the King who hated magic.

Alright, granted, Merlin had never completely followed the rule his mother had constantly repeated until he could hear nothing else, he had played those games with Will, showing off a few of the tricks he was able to do with his powers which was more out of instinct at the time rather than with the kind of skill he was able to come up with thanks to the book of magic Gaius had gifted to him after he had arrived in Camelot and stopped Mary Collins from carrying out her plan to kill Arthur in revenge for what had happened to her son.

Those tricks had always been hidden. Ealdor was a small village far from Camelot, so the possibilities for a number of hiding spots where he could go and conjure up small putts of smoke, move objects with his mind inside the little hut he had grown up in with his mother until she had sent him to Gaius in the hopes he might be able to provide him with the kind of magical education which she herself could not provide were almost limitless.

Thinking about Mary was impossible without thinking what had happened to her son when he had first stepped foot into Camelot, the execution of a man who had magic; Merlin honestly had no idea what Thomas had done to get himself executed like that, but it didn't need to be anything serious at all since Uther Pendragon's desire to wipe out magic in the lands was so strong Merlin wondered why no-one had raised an army of sorcerers and gone on a rampage to make Uther pay for what he'd done.

Mary Collins had had no problem in trying to make the bastard pay for everything he had done, and truth be told if Merlin had not been summoned by the Great Dragon and told about that prophecy about Arthur, he would have gladly stood in the background and let it happen.

Uther Pendragon was the poster boy of magical hatred, but the fear of magic had festered throughout the lands of the country for centuries, propagated by the fear they had towards magic. But Uther had stoked the fires of the hatred which had long since been a disease for centuries, and that disease had reached Ealdor.

It had permeated the air, like a foul-smelling odour, spreading like the spores of a poisonous toadstool. It had infected the minds and the souls of so many of Ealdor's people to the point where the mere mention of magic would make them either froth at the mouth with rage and go off into a hateful rant, or they would make them cower in dread at the thought of an angry sorcerer attacking them.

Merlin let a deep ragged sigh leave his mouth as he thought about everything that had happened since Aredian turned up, turning the entire city upside down just to _find _sorcerers, only for him to be a charlatan who accused people of having magic and planting evidence against them - how else could that bracelet have turned up?

On top of that, when that servant had told the King what had happened, and Gaius had lashed out at him, Merlin had been indifferent. He had treated it as a joke, really, acting thoughtless even though he shouldn't.

Not anymore he wasn't.

Not only had Gaius nearly been executed, but Morgana had been interrogated as well; Merlin knew the nightmares Morgana frequently had were getting worse because of a different reason that had _nothing _to do with the potion; Merlin had taken that potion himself, and it worked all the time, so why Morgana's own nightmares didn't seem to go away, Merlin had no idea since he didn't know much about their content to form a guess himself, but at this point he was too overcome with guilt over what he had done.

The good news was with Aredian dead after he had tried taking Morgana hostage when so many magical artefacts were found in his possession and that toad had jumped out of his mouth - why people were so quick to believe people were sorcerers based on _that alone, _Merlin did not know - and Merlin had cast a spell to turn the knife red-hot causing him to fall out of a window after the 'Witchfinder' had stumbled back in shock.

Merlin closed his eyes and screamed mentally inside his own skull just to allow him _to sleep. _

He wondered how Gaius was after his ordeal. The ageing physician had looked _awful _following what had happened, and it was all because of him. What was even worse was that Gaius had _confessed to being a sorcerer just to keep Merlin safe! _

As he struggled to get some sleep, Merlin also had time to reflect on other matters. It was at times like this, times where he was reminded once more of just how _dangerous _Camelot was to a sorcerer, to a _druid, _that Merlin wondered if his mother had made a mistake in sending him here, straight into the wolf's den.

When the Great Dragon told him of his _destiny _to help guide and protect Arthur, he had not believed it, especially since Arthur had been nothing more than an arrogant bully who delighted in hounding and harassing people who just wanted to live their lives.

And although Merlin had grown to like Arthur, and the prince had improved and grown as a person into somebody whom Merlin had grown to like, the warlock was unsure at times if magic would ever be properly free again.

But he refused to give up his dreams. He wanted magic to be free again. He wanted Camelot to stop its relentless vendetta against sorcerers, wanted the knights and the King to stop hunting down the druids like they were _animals _no better than the deer or the rabbits Arthur continually went out to hunt. He had done everything he could, put up with so much, because the Great Dragon had promised him it was the only way for his dreams to come true, and for most part Arthur's personality was evolving every single day, which gave Merlin the hope he needed that by the time Arthur was ready to ascend to the throne and become King of Camelot when Uther was either dead or something else happened to him, the prince would use his own mind and his inherent fairness to see magic was not the enemy, unless of course something magical happened to Uther, and since the current King was so aggressive towards sorcerers and other forms of magic, it was possible and the hate Uther felt towards sorcerers would be passed onto Arthur.

If that happened….

Merlin took a deep breath and turned on his side, hoping for sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Merlin.

Please let me know what you think.

* * *

A Harsh Reality.

"Merlin!" Gaius' voice called through the sweet haze of sleep while repetitive and rather loud bangs echoed on the door separated Merlin's room with the main room of the Court Physicians' chambers, and Merlin struggled to wake up, instantly feeling the weight on his mind which came with struggling with keeping his eyes open, reminding him of the late-night he'd had.

"Merlin!" Gaius' voice was more insistent this time, as it was always on an ordinary day.

For a moment, Merlin had forgotten the events of the day before, but it was when he struggled up and opened his mouth to call back, reassure his mentor and friend he was going to be out and join him for breakfast in a moment, the memories came crashing down on his mind.

Instantly his head was in his hands. "Oh no!" his stifled cry echoed around the room.

"MERLIN! What's wrong?" Gaius called in through the door and the bangs increased.

Merlin groaned. At this rate the entire _city _would be alerted and knowing their luck, everyone would panic about _sorcerers._ "I'm alright," he lied through his teeth. "I'll be out in a moment," he added, knowing there was _no way _he could avoid Gaius, and if he tried the physician would track him down anyway.

The banging mercifully stopped; the combination of going to sleep late the night before and the banging at this time when he _knew _his workload would be high with his ordinary duties on top of what he had with Arthur.

"Alright," Gaius replied, sounding reassured, "I'll see you at breakfast." Merlin had got out of his bed and got dressed in something fresh, but as he listened to his older mentor, Merlin felt physically ill when he finally caught the tone of his mentor and friend's voice. Merlin had heard Gaius weary before, but never like _this…_

_All because of me, _Merlin thought to himself, mentally wishing he could journey back in time and shake himself just before the whole mess with the Witchfinder happened. _My stupidity! _

Finally, Merlin left the bedroom and when he saw Gaius he stopped and looked at his friend and mentor; the strain of the last couple of days was still visible on the older man's face, and his guilt increased.

When he sat down and started to eat, he didn't notice Gaius looking at him curiously with a hint of worry. Finally, the older man couldn't take it anymore. "Alright, Merlin," Gaius snapped in order to make his ward realise he wasn't going to let this drop, though he did regret the sight of the boy flinching violently, "what's the matter? Are you still upset about what happened with Aredian?"

The much more violent flinch from Merlin gave Gaius his answer. The boy looked up at him, and Gaius could see the guilt clearly written in the young man's eyes.

"I nearly got you killed!" Merlin replied, opening his mouth to say he wasn't upset, even if it was a total lie because he was still upset about the Witchfinder, but Gaius sent him a pointed glare at him to make it clear if he even thought of lying, the old physician would be deeply _displeased. _

Gaius sighed. While he was feeling a sadistic pleasure Merlin was finally seeing reality instead of seeing everything through a bubble, he knew the boy was deeply traumatised with the thought of what he had done. "Why did you do it in the first place?" he asked quietly, he'd had a terrible night sleep after everything Uther and Aredian had done to him, so he wasn't in the mood for an argument, though if Merlin pushed him… "What were you _thinking, _using _magic _in broad daylight in a place where just a spark would be enough to see you killed?"

Merlin looked down. He wished Gaius was shouting, but he knew his mentor wouldn't go that far, especially since someone could come in on impulse or eavesdrop through the door, and if that happened then they would definitely know Merlin's secret. "I wasn't, Gaius," he said quietly, "I just wanted to have a break. I had been working all day, and I hadn't used magic _all day. _I needed to feel the _thrill of casting a spell," _he whispered.

Gaius closed his eyes. Merlin had just made more sense than ever. The old physician knew precisely how it felt for sorcerers who'd only just come into their power to feel a thrill. Magic was incredibly addictive, and sorcerers used it for everything over time. For someone like Merlin who had been born with the gift of magic, and used it every day, it must have been torturous to go for hours without using magic.

"I can understand that, Merlin," he said softly as he spooned a mouthful of food into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully while he thought about what he was going to say next, "I've seen many young sorcerers who've just learnt to harness magic, and it creates a thrill. For you, it must be incredible since you were born with your magic. I imagine when you were a young boy, you must have used magic every day, am I right?"

Merlin nodded. He had a feeling where this was going to go, and he could sense the trap the old physician was setting for him.

"You can't do that here, Merlin," Gaius pressed, leaning across the table so then the young warlock had little choice but to focus on _him. _"This isn't Ealdor, a small village where there were plenty of places for you to use magic. This is _Camelot. _For twenty years, Uther has hunted down and _slaughtered _hundreds of sorcerers. He personally led the attack on the _Isle of the Blessed, _and destroyed centuries worth of knowledge of magic, deeming it evil. He organised a rampage of _genocide _against many magical creatures and beings, including the _Dragons! _Do you really think he wouldn't bat an eyelid when he found out someone had used magic to create a cloud of smoke shaped like a horse?"

Throughout the whole whispered rant, Merlin had felt even worse. He had barely even thought of the _massacre _which had been taking place over the last two decades. "I wasn't thinking straight-," he began, but Gaius got there first.

"No, you didn't. What makes it worse is Uther brought that _thing," _he spat the word, though Merlin guessed Gaius had a few more imaginative descriptions for Aredian, "back into Camelot."

"I know," Merlin replied while he spooned a few mouthfuls and chewed. "Gaius, I am so sorry-," he apologised.

Gaius closed his eyes. He wanted to go on, and lord knew he had a lot more to say, but if he did that then he wouldn't be able to sort out the chambers which had been ransacked nor could he go about his job, though truthfully he wanted to stay clear of Uther for a while. He opened his eyes and looked at the boy quietly.

He had no doubts about Merlin's sincerity, but he was so _sick and tired _of the impulsiveness Merlin sometimes exhibited.

"Merlin, just answer me one question, why didn't you take anything I said after Uther ordered the Witchfinder to be brought to Camelot seriously?" he asked.

Merlin winced, the memories of his nonchalance after that servant girl had told Uther about the smoke horse filling his mind. "Because I didn't think it would be any big deal," he retorted. "I thought the Witchfinder would be as easy to fool as Uther, Arthur, the Knights, and all the others. In any case, he framed people, casting suspicion on them-."

"Oh, of course, he did," Gaius leaned back in his seat with a weary sigh, "_all _Witchfinders are fakes. They travel around the land, tell kings and queens there are sorcerers in their midst. The kings and queens get scared, the kingdoms become terrified, and then the Witchfinder finds a few unlucky souls they don't like, and then they frame them. Aredian isn't any different, although occasionally they do get lucky and get a real sorcerer nine times out of eleven, usually, if there is a real sorcerer around, they make the wise choice to quietly leave. And no-one knows it; a king or a queen can't know everything that goes on."

"Then why go after you?"

"Aredian has always wanted to see me dead," Gaius replied simply. "He knew about my ties to the sorcerers of the time before the Purge. Back then Witchfinders were everywhere, but many kings and queens, including Uther at the time, paid little attention to them. It wasn't until the Purge started, people like Aredian became more and more prominent, but truthfully they only caught a few actual sorcerers and more innocent people."

Merlin looked away, hoping Gaius didn't see the horror in his eyes as the image of so many innocent people who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, or had simply been people the Witchfinders wanted to see die so then the deaths would spread more fear and terror throughout the land, and more and more people became infected by the disease that was the hatred of magic.

"I just want us to be free," Merlin whispered.

"Maybe we will," Gaius said, and Merlin's head shot up in surprise. For a long time the old physician had said the dream of freeing magic and making it accepted by Camelot and the other kingdoms was possible and feasible, so why was he changing his mind?

Fortunately, the old physician saw his worried confusion. "What do you expect, Merlin? Arthur might be fairer than Uther, but don't forget; Arthur _has seen _many terrible things caused by magic, which has only served Uther's own agenda. He _knows _he won't last forever, and he's grooming Arthur to be the next King of Camelot, but he wants Arthur to rule as he does. He wants Arthur to continue his work against the Old Religion. That's why he spent years and years making sure Arthur's ears rang with the negative stories about magic," Gaius explained and he shook his head as he remembered how sick he had felt that Uther would brainwash an innocent little boy to hate magic and consider it evil before he went on, "but don't forget; Arthur has _a mind of his own. _He can make his own decisions, though what kind of a King he will be…I cannot say. I'm too old Merlin. I have seen kings and queens come and go over the years, but truthfully _no-one _knows what kind of ruler they would be. Some monarchs have risen to power, and over the years, they've proven to be weak-willed because they've found themselves out of their comfort zones; do you even know how many kings started out as strong knights, only to be terrible rulers? Too many."

Gaius took a moment to pause so he could catch his breath, and he used the opportunity to study Merlin's expression. He looked surprised by what he had said, but Gaius went on softly. "I don't know what kind of man he'll be when he takes the throne, Merlin," Gaius said softly, "maybe the Great Dragon is right, maybe Arthur is the Once and Future King who will unite the lands, though what kind of king he'll be for his people, I cannot say. Nor can I say magic will ever come back. There are many people out there who are terrified of it, and while a king may say it's allowed or not, for the most part they will say no because they're terrified a sorcerer will come along and try to claim the power of the throne for themselves. That is the truth. It's true there are hundreds of kingdoms out there, but many of them are just as harsh with magic as Camelot is, though they don't all share Uther's desire to wipe it out completely. It's the harsh reality of our lives, my boy."

Merlin looked stricken and Gaius licked his lips, knowing what he was saying was painful for the boy to hear, but he knew Merlin needed to hear it before he did anything rash again.

"The best thing you can do, Merlin, would be to continue helping Arthur from behind the scenes, but take care. Uther may be satisfied now there isn't a sorcerer in Camelot, but if he finds out there is someone with magic here, he will tear the kingdom apart to find out who it is, and he will have people killed if he doesn't find who he wants. I've seen him do it before, many times over the years. Don't give him any more reasons to be suspicious," Gaius finished and he stood up to clean his bowl. He hadn't eaten much, just enough to get him through the early hours.

But he hadn't been hungry when he had seen Merlin's mood and knew the boy was guilty about what he did.

Gaius truly hoped Merlin took on board what he had just said, though he knew the young man was shaken by Gaius' own views about magic returning, he hoped the young man took it on board to not get his hopes up.

It would be heartbreaking to go for years and see magic being pounded into dust by the never-ending death toll that still continued, and yet the dream never coming true.


End file.
